Tonight's Thoughts

I'm melancholy tonight. I'm going to remind myself that most of it is probably hormones. But because that doesn't actually take away the feelings, I'm going to explore them a bit. 

Why? Why am I so short-tempered with my big girls this evening? Why do I feel incompetent for not knowing what my baby needs to get to sleep? Why do I feel so small and meaningless in this world tonight?

Probably because of hormones. 

But maybe it has something to do with a few other things. 

Maybe it has to do with seeing that a girl that looked up to me in high school is recently married to a man that shares her passion to share Jesus with the lost. They just arrived in Uganda where they are building a playground for street children and interning with local midwives. 

That's pretty close to what I dreamed of doing way back in high school. Where did I end up? 

I'm a mom to three little girls. They take everything out of me every day. It's a full time job. There is no energy left for other "ministries" at the end of the day. No glamorous trips to foreign countries to serve. No using of the degree I worked so hard to complete. 

I dreamt of one thing and am living another. 

Sigh. 

As I sat on my cozy bed, changing one more diaper this evening, I pondered these things. Who sees what I do here? Often no one. If I was in Africa, everyone would know what I was doing. "Oh? My daughter, Jana? She's a missionary in Africa..." Hmm. How much of my dream was just for the pride of it all? Was there much of Christ in my motives? It's hard to remember. 

But now. I change diapers for the needy and helpless. I make meals for the toddler who really isn't grateful. (Don't get me wrong, I am trying to train for that, but at this age, she knows nothing else but being waited on.) I wipe a potty trainer who can't do it herself yet. They feel entitled to my help, not grateful. They know nothing else, and I don't wish them to. I don't want them to know what it's like to call for mom and not have her come. 

But it occurred to me that in one sense, being a stay at home mommy is a lowly job. Society places virtually no value on it. To them, children belong in daycare and school. There is no need for a woman at home. And those children, whom we serve, also place little value on it when they're small. 

Perhaps, by being a stay at home mom, I am closer to Christ than I would be if I knew the "glamor" of the foreign mission field. Perhaps, my role humbles me more here. 

I believe many other moms wiser than myself have meditated on this subject before it ever occurred to me. 

I hope that the Lord will keep my heart soft enough to be touched by these thoughts. I hope that He will help me to avoid the trap of seeing my job as society does instead of how He does. I hope He will help me know Him better as I walk a path out of the spotlight. I hope my children will somehow grow to love Him through this process. 

Thankfully, my husband truly values what I do. He says over and over how he couldn't live his life at all the same without my willingness to serve him and our girls...how he needs me to do this for him. That is balm in times where it's hard to see my purpose and value. 

I wonder how I will view all this in 20 years when age has (hopefully) brought wisdom. 

The Lord is good to give me such sweet faces to enjoy in this process. My heart aches with the love of this girl 

Speaking of that girl, she just woke up from a cat nap. Duty calls.