I have always been a sponge. Wherever I am, I soak up the attitudes, feelings, and sometimes worldviews of those around me. To a certain extent, I shift with the wind.
I didn't recognize this when I was younger, but looking back over my life, I see it clearly.
I. Don't. Like. It.
I KNOW this is not good! I recognize the trait in other people and dislike it in them. But oh the plank in my own eye.
I also know what it stems from. I desperately want to be accepted and liked by those around me. I hate rocking the boat. I want to be in the boat where everyone thinks I am just dandy! I would rather lose "me" to gain them.
In school, I was teacher's pet. I got good grades because I wanted to be the good student and daughter.
At play, I rode horses at a barn. After I began to know Jesus, it was probably hard for anyone there (none of them Christians) to know the difference.
At my Christian college, I bonded immediately with the outgoing girls in my dorm and morphed into a somewhat jaded Christian. I lost my new passion for Jesus.
When I graduated, I began work at a hospital where I struggled desperately just to do my job. My whole purpose in nursing (to serve the hurting as Christ would) was smothered by my inexperience and desire to not look a fool in front of those crusty, sassy nurses.
Getting married was a very, very good thing. My husband has challenged me to think beyond the obvious! He is out of the box and is just fine with that. And since marrying him, I have started to look at that sponge tendency in my life.
I've tried in my own strength to resist it! I want to remain true to the TRUTH...to Him! ...no matter where I am or who I am with. I want to be filled with and secure because HE loves me! It should not matter if others even like me!
But my efforts fail.
Just tonight I had a simple revelation that probably should have come sooner. I could ask Jesus to help me not be a sponge anymore! And so I did.
Even as I write this, I wonder what people will think of my words and how they will view me. I wonder why I feel the need to blog this at all.
Oh that my Lord would quiet my heart to hear Him. I want to be healed of this "fear of man."
Why is the plainest solution so hard to see at times? I'm so thrilled to see the Holy Spirit at work in YOUR life Jana. He blesses me through your transparency.
ReplyDeleteI love you friend :-)
I don't know how to say this without feeling extremely exposed, but I understand. I always feel like I should be doing more to keep things quiet and the same. I'm afraid of offending someone. Afraid I'll lose friendship if I tell the truth. I think "Who am I to think I KNOW Truth?" But it can be hard when just living with many kids and being HAPPY offends people! Just because I know I am making the right choices and don't subscribe to someone else's plan for my life? It is hard because I hate conflict, but God is showing me He'll fight the battle, I just have to stand with Him.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing! I pray God continues to protect you from outside influences and allows you to live wholly and completely for Him! I'm praying for you, my friend!
Thank you for your comment! Yes, I have been labeled a "peacemaker" by friends and family. There can be positives about that, but I know where it stems from...wanting people to like me! And yep, I don't like to rock the boat either!! I've been pretty good at looking normal to the world, but if I keep following Jesus, my life and family are likely to look pretty wacky in the world's eyes. I will pray that the Lord will help us both to stand with Him when we stick out!
DeleteJana, I just wanted to let you know that I felt your heart talking in this post. Maybe surprisingly/maybe not, I really related to a lot of what you had to say. please know that there is no judging on this side from the blog, and I am thankful that you shared.
ReplyDelete